We were visiting my parents one Saturday afternoon, giving my kids a chance to play with their cousins, when my child wandered into the living room and asked to watch a baking video on YouTube. Grammy said yes and handed over the tablet.
A few minutes later, I noticed my child sitting very still on the couch, eyes wide. “Everything okay?” I asked.
My kid didn’t look up. “Something weird came up before the video started,” was the whispered reply.
I gently took the iPad. I could tell from the expression on my child’s face that it hadn’t just been a silly advertisement. It was one of those suggestive, inappropriate previews that sometimes slip through on even the most family-friendly channels.
Later, when we were back home, I asked, “About what you saw earlier at Grammy’s… do you want to talk about it?”
My child hesitated, then nodded. “It was gross. And confusing.”
“Pornography is confusing. It takes something God made to be beautiful and distorts it.” We talked about how porn doesn’t show love, or commitment, or respect. It doesn’t tell the truth about sex, about bodies, or about relationships. And we talked about how every person in those videos is someone made in God’s image—someone who deserves dignity, not to be watched, used, or exploited.
That night, I realized how close to home the statistics really are: most kids see porn by age eleven.1 Many stumble upon it by accident, just like my child did.2 Some go looking for it because no one has told them what it really is. And many, heartbreakingly, believe what they see is what sex is supposed to be.3 41% of teens have seen pornography at school during the school day.4 Recent studies also indicate that 15%5 to 25%6 of teens are intentionally seeking out internet pornography, and 90% of teens are neutral, accepting, or encouraging of porn consumption.7 Less than half of teens surveyed had discussed porn with a trusted adult.8
Parents, it’s not a matter of if your child will be exposed to pornography—it’s when. And when that moment comes, will they already know what you believe? Will they already understand what God says about sex, love, and the value of another person? Will they know they can come to you, without shame?
The best way to prepare them for that moment is to start the conversation now—before the preview to a baking video, before the ad, before the pop-up, before a friend shares something on the bus. Start early, keep it ongoing, and don’t be afraid to speak truth with tenderness. Because they need it. And they need you.
Why are kids tempted to seek out pornography?
While younger children are typically drawn to porn due to curiosity, peer pressure, or trying to find answers to legitimate questions (like, “How does the baby get in there??”), often older kids seek out porn to escape emotional pain. If your child is misusing sex in some way, it could be that they have legitimate but unmet intimacy needs and are using sexual pleasure to meet that need quickly, even though it’s destructive and ultimately unsatisfying. But often, sexual sin is not about loneliness; rather, teens (and adults) use sexual pleasure to numb the pain of living in a broken world. Sexual pleasure can easily become a drug we use to make us feel better when we’re hurting.
How do we help our kids resist using sexual experiences to stop feeling pain?
First the easy part: Add porn blocking software to every device you have, even if your child isn’t supposed to use it, and monitor their online activity. Delete any apps that are causing problems. Research every app you allow your child to access. Even the seemingly innocent apps and games can contain explicit content or open doors for sexual predators (looking at you, Roblox). No devices in bedrooms or bathrooms. Help your teen cut off romantic relationships that are sexual. Restrict access to romance novels and sexually explicit TV shows and movies.
Now the less easy part: address painful emotions proactively. Normalize having painful emotions and help kids see that painful emotions aren’t bad. Just like a pain in our foot would alert us to a broken bone and motivate us to get to a doctor to have a cast put on it, so painful emotions should alert us that our heart is hurting because of the brokenness in the world and should motivate us to address the wound. And just like a foot would actually get worse if the pain of a broken bone were ignored, so distress and hurt remain and worsen over time if not given attention. Help your children recognize their painful emotions, feel their feelings, and express them in healthy ways: lamenting the brokenness of the world, coping with worry and anxiety, mourning when they feel sad, working to right wrongs when they are angry, grieving losses, and combating shame, feelings of worthlessness, or isolation. As John Fort so aptly reminds us, “[w]e don’t have to fear negative emotions, because they are not permanent.”9
How do I talk to my young kids about pornography?
Kids aged 2-5
Every expert I’ve read says it’s better to warn your child about pornography than remain silent. Would you rather your child learn about pornography by being exposed to it or by you telling them what it is and how to avoid it? Remember, exposure is when not if. Our kids will all grow up with internet-enabled devices in nearly every room of the house, the car, and school, which means connecting disciplined device usage to wise sexual stewardship is key. Start by modeling self-control as you use your own devices. If you allow your child access to any kind of device, put locks, parental controls, and filters on it. Kids in this age group (and really anyone under the age of 25) cannot mentally or emotionally handle pornography. Do everything you can to avoid exposure to pornography for as long as possible. At the same time, teach your child some simple ways to react if (when) they do see pornography: close your eyes, get away, tell me, you will not be in trouble.
Talk about emotions and how to handle hurt, rejection, sadness, anger, and more. Teaching a child how to handle difficult emotions now will lessen their need to escape into pornography (or sex with a partner or masturbation) when they’re older.
Kids aged 5-9
While using the internet one day, your child comes across a porn advertisement. How do you respond?
After a birthday party sleepover, your son mentions that his friend showed him some pictures of naked women on his dad’s phone. How do you respond?
“We know that the internet is full of bad pictures. I’m so glad you did exactly what we’ve talked about—you told me what happened right away.
“You know, sometimes people who make those pictures say that ‘Oh, these are just pictures. Pictures can’t hurt anyone.’ But God says that pictures do matter. In fact, pictures matter so much to God that He made some of Himself: humans. We are made in the very image of God, and we are beautiful and have potential because of that. So when we misuse images, pictures of humans, that’s a big deal.
“You might be drawn to pictures of people’s bodies, and you may be curious about sex. Please come to me with your questions; I am eager to answer them and talk with you about these things. It may be really difficult, but continue to resist those bad pictures. Strive to obey God in thinking on what is true, honorable, right, pure, and lovely (Philippians 4:8).”
Kids aged 10+
While using the internet to do homework, your child uses Google to navigate to a pornography website. How do you respond?
“We’ve talked before about what pornography is and what you should do if you see pornography. Pornography is so easy to access, but we know it is so destructive to us as well. And you did the right thing by telling me.
“You know, sometimes people who make pornography say that ‘Oh, these are just pictures. Images can’t hurt anyone. What I’m doing isn’t hurting anyone.’ But God says that images matter. In fact, images matter so much to God that He made some of Himself: humans. We are made in the very image of God, and we are beautiful and have potential because of that. When we misuse images, pictures of humans, that’s a big deal. When we look at pornography we’re misusing the person in the picture or video, a person who was made in the image of God. And when we misuse people, we sin against them and God.
“I know you’re drawn to pictures of people’s bodies, and you may be curious about sex. Please come to me with your questions; I am eager to answer them and talk with you about these things. Pornography can do so much damage to our minds: we begin to believe that other people only exist for our own pleasure, we become more comfortable with violence against another person’s body, and we train our brains to think about and seek out sexual pleasure above all else.
“Sex is a good and beautiful creation of God, but humanity’s sin bent and broke the goodness of what God created. Pornography is one way the goodness of sex has been broken and bent into something that causes us to sin rather than glorify God for His beautiful creation.
“It may be really difficult, but continue to resist those images of broken ways people use sex. Strive to obey God in thinking on what is true, honorable, right, pure, and lovely (Philippians 4:8). Seek to treat people as the beloved images of God that they are.”
Parents, we’re not powerless
Pornography isn’t a moral issue alone; it’s a distortion of God’s design for intimacy, human dignity, and emotional wholeness. It teaches our kids to use others instead of loving them, to escape instead of engaging with conflict, to numb out instead of confronting uncomfortable emotions.
But as parents, we’re not powerless. We can help our kids recognize their real needs for connection and guide them toward lasting, life-giving ways to meet those needs. This means addressing sin with truth and grace and meeting shame with compassion. Ultimately, conversations about pornography are about guarding their eyes and shepherding their hearts.
Check out Equip’s free Kids + Sexual Stewardship Guide for a list of articles and kids’ books that will help you talk to your kids about pornography. Get it today by emailing info@equipyourcommunity.org.
- See surveys and research like:
“Young people, Pornography & age-verification,” British Board of Film Classification (2020), https://www.bbfc.co.uk/about-classification/research
American Psychological Association. “Age of First Exposure to Pornography Shapes Men’s Attitudes Toward Women.” Accessed June 19, 2024. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2017/08/pornography-exposure
Wright, Paul J., Bryant Paul, and Debby Herbenick “Preliminary Insights from a U.S. Probability Sample on Adolescents’ Pornography Exposure, Media Psychology, and Sexual Aggression,” Journal of Health Communication 26 (1): 39–46. doi:10.1080/10810730.2021.1887980. ↩︎ - According to Common Sense Media, “Teens,” 75% of teens have viewed pornography by age seventeen (over half of them accidentally).
Common Sense Media. “Teens and Pornography.” January 10, 2023. https://www.commonsensemedia.org/research/teens-and-pornography ↩︎ - According to Common Sense Media, “Teens,” 30% of teens surveyed felt that porn gave them an accurate portrayal of sex. ↩︎
- Common Sense Media, “Teens” ↩︎
- Common Sense Media, “Teens” ↩︎
- Peter, Jochen and Patti M. Valkenburg. “Adolescents and Pornography: A Review of 20 Years of Research.” The Journal of Sex Research, 53(4–5) (March 2016): 509–531. doi: 10.1080/00224499.2016.1143441 ↩︎
- Covenant Eyes. “Pornography Statistics.” Accessed June 19, 2024. https://www.covenanteyes.com/pornstats/ ↩︎
- Common Sense Media, “Teens” ↩︎
- Fort, John. Honest Talk: A New Perspective on Talking to Your Kids About Sex. Independently published, 2019. ↩︎
