Kids are curious and eager to learn about the world around them. Parents often welcome their queries when the questions are cute, like, “Does chocolate milk come from brown cows?” or “Why is the moon called the moon?” or “Why don’t crabs have eyebrows?” But when the questions are about sex, gender, or sexuality, parents may feel uncomfortable or be tempted to give a non-answer.
I’m hopeful that this series will help parents answer the questions kids ask that parents may be hesitant to answer, either from their own embarrassment or because they don’t want to take away their child’s innocence.
If you haven’t already, read the first post in the series covering best practices for answering kids’ questions.
What’s gay mean?
We’re in the middle of Pride month, so it makes sense that kids might ask about the words they hear from classmates, media, or adults in their lives.
When my daughter was six, she overheard me talking to another adult. One of us used the word gay. “Mom, what’s gay mean?” she quickly asked. I tried not to let the surprise show on my face.
“Um, what’s gay mean?” I thought about what I knew about same-sex attraction, God’s wisdom, and a six-year-old’s capacity to understand sexuality and came up with this answer:
“When I use the word gay I mean boys who are attracted to boys and girls who are attracted to girls. But attractions are just one aspect of who gay people are; there is no one way that all gay people act. In fact, you know some gay people!” I mentioned some Christian friends who are gay and who are following God’s wisdom for sexual stewardship so that my child would begin to understand that people who experience same-sex attraction aren’t inherently gross, dirty, or bad. Then I said, “God knows what’s best for everyone, and His wisdom is the same for people who like boys and for people who like girls.”
You don’t have to be a theologian or a counselor to talk to your child about sexual stewardship. You just need to be a calm, consistent, and safe adult. If your child asks about what gay (or pan, bi, queer, and more) means, here’s a basic approach you can use:
- Keep it simple: For example, “Bisexual people feel attraction toward both males and females,” is typically enough. You may be very tempted to give a long talk to your kids about same-sex sexual behavior or gay marriage and how Christians don’t approve of those things. Resist that impulse for now. Most likely, if you begin to describe all the ways gay people can sin, your child will hear “gay equals bad” and will internalize shame and homophobia, especially if your child discovers one day that they experience same-sex attraction. Do continue to teach about God’s design for everyone’s sexual stewardship.
- Clarify feelings vs. identity vs. behavior: “People use different words to describe their feelings and experiences. That doesn’t tell you everything about them, just like someone saying they love swimming doesn’t mean they’re only a swimmer.”
- Affirm value: “Every person is made in God’s image and deeply loved by Him, no matter what word they use to describe their attractions.”
- Reinforce what you believe about love and design: “God has a design for how to best love and relate to others, and that design is good and loving and best for our lives.”
Remember, your goal isn’t to download all your beliefs in one sitting—it’s to build a relationship of trust where your child knows you will always be safe to talk to, no matter what they’re wondering about.
From pride flags to God’s love
You might also get a question related to the Pride month merchandise in stores or rainbow-colored Pride flags on homes and restaurants. How can you answer your child? Check out the conversation scripts below:
Remember that conversations about LGBT+ topics should take place within a broader conversation about the need for everyone to steward their sexualities in God-honoring ways.
Up to age 8
“Rainbows are so pretty, aren’t they! The colors are so bright and cheerful.
“Many years ago, a gay man thought up the design for that kind of flag because he wanted to remind other gay people that they are valuable and have worth.
“As a family that follows God, we know that God loves and values every human, and we want to do the same. Every human has worth because each of us is created by God and reflects His image.
“Let’s make a deal: every time you or I see a rainbow flag, let’s pray that all the other people who see it would be reminded that God loves them so very much.”
Ages 8-12
“Many years ago, a gay man thought up the design for that kind of flag because he wanted to remind other LGBT+ people that they are valuable and have worth. As a family that follows God, we know that God loves and values every human, and we want to do the same.
“We all want to be known, loved, and accepted. The Bible says that God knows us fully and loves us completely. God also wants us to be fully known and fully loved by others, like our family, our friends, and other Christians. That’s part of the purpose of the Church.
“Sadly, some people in our world don’t feel like they can be loved and known in all spaces. Sometimes, they feel like they have to hide part of themselves so that others will love them. Have you ever felt like hiding something about yourself so that someone would like you better?
“It’s really hard and sad when we feel like we can’t be known and loved. Sometimes we might even feel like we have to hide parts of ourselves from God. But I want you to know that God loves you completely, no matter what. He knows everything about you, and He loves you more than you could ever imagine.
“Some people who experience same-sex attraction find it really difficult to let people in and allow themselves to be fully known. Many gay people fear that their attractions somehow make them gross or bad, and rather than risk rejection by telling others, they choose to hide, especially from Christians. It’s not supposed to be that way. Our churches are supposed to be safe places where we can be fully known, and other Christians are supposed to be people who love us completely, no matter what our attractions are.
“In June, we often see lots of rainbow flags in commercials and around town. June is a month many gay people choose to let others know about their attractions and celebrate being fully known. If you ever experience attractions to the same sex, please tell me. You will be fully known and fully loved. There is no need to hide or feel ashamed or fearful. And you don’t have to wait until June, you can talk to me any time.”
