Parent Conversation Starter: Causes & Change

by Amber Carroll

We’ve provided these free Parent Conversation Starters to help parents begin intentional dialogue about sexuality with children and teens. Each Starter includes step-by-step instructions for parents to (1) prepare for conversation and (2) initiate conversation, broken down by age-group.

These starters are just that–starters. These are not meant to be one-and-done conversations, but rather a place to begin ongoing conversation. We know these are difficult conversations, which is why we’ve created an on-demandParent Course, designed to give parents all the tools they need to have compassionate and theologically accurate conversations about sexuality with their kids throughout childhood.

(1) Prepare for Conversation: get familiar with the topic

Topic Summary: Are people born gay? What part does God play? Can sexual orientation change?

Parents, read Equip’s blog post (or watch the video) about gay people and the Holy Spirit. As you read, pause and reflect on the following questions:

The statistics that gay teens are five times more likely to attempt suicide than their peers, and LGBT+ youth who say religion is important to them are 38% more likely to be suicidal than their non-religious LGBT+ peers are startling. How are you starting now to instill a Biblical sexual ethic in your child while also ensuring that they know they’re loved by you and by God regardless of their orientation?
When a teen in your church comes out, what do pastors/counselors do? What resources do they offer? What promises do they make?
Gay people aren’t born gay and they don’t choose to be gay. While God doesn’t make anyone gay, He does allow people to experience same-sex attraction. Scripture doesn’t promise orientation change, and there is no proven combination of counseling and spiritual disciplines that will bring about orientation change. How does that knowledge inform your parenting? Inform how you talk to your child about God? Inform how you talk to your child about gay people?

(2) Initiate Conversation: ask good questions

With your deepened understanding of the topic, initiate conversation with children and teens with age-specific questions.

Conversation about LGBT+ topics should take place within a broader conversation about the need for everyone to steward their sexualities in God-honoring ways. Here’s a brief summary of what all children need to know about sexual stewardship–please ensure your children have grasped these foundational truths before exploring sexual minority-specific conversations:

God created all of us to enjoy human intimacy in the context of life-long, lived-in family, and we find that family through one of the vocations God created: Christian marriage or vocational singleness. As our kids enter their young adult years, they will begin to discern with (ask) God which vocation He has given to them.
Humanity’s sin has bent and broken the goodness of everything God created. We see the results of this bending and breaking everywhere. We are all broken in the area of sexuality, and none of us can do intimacy or family perfectly. Encourage your child to share with you when they discover where broken sexuality is part of their story.
We are still able to find beauty and goodness and flourish in this broken world because God offers us His wisdom through the Bible and the Church. When we follow God’s wisdom, we’ll find the greatest joy, the deepest meaning, and the richest belonging in this life.

Conversation Starter for Ages 2-6

If you have children ages 2-6, use this discussion guide to start conversation with them about God’s promises.

“Sometimes it’s hard when others don’t keep their promises to us. Has that ever happened to you?” (let your child share)

“Did you know that God always keeps His promises? When we see a promise from God in the Bible we can trust that He will always keep it. What are some promises we find in the Bible?” (remind your child of promises found in Scripture)

“While God does promise to love us, guide us, and help us, God doesn’t promise that He will take away all the sad or painful things we might experience in life. Christians often feel pain, suffer, and endure things we’d rather not have to endure. God doesn’t promise us healing or change or to take away our suffering, but He does promise to be with us, to lead us, and to uphold us.”

“What are some things in your life that you wish God would change or take away?” (let your child share; a bully at school, the loss of a friend, an illness, a broken toy, a dead pet, etc.)

“Suffering is hard, and it often doesn’t make sense. It’s normal for us to want a painful experience to end. We don’t have God’s eyes, so we can’t see the big picture like He can, but we can trust that He is working for our good and His glory, even when we’re suffering or feeling pain. Even when God chooses to allow suffering and pain in our lives, we can trust that God is still in control of all things, that He loves us, and wants to give us the strength to keep going. We can also look forward to a time when “all the sad things will come untrue” and we’re able to join Jesus in heaven.”

Conversation Starter for Ages 7-12

If you have children ages 7-12, use this discussion guide to start conversation with them about God’s promises.

“Sometimes it’s hard when others don’t keep their promises to us. Has that ever happened to you?” (let your child share)

“While God does promise to love us, guide us, and help us, God doesn’t promise that He will take away all the sad or painful things we might experience in life. God also doesn’t promise that He’ll give us everything we ask for. Christians often feel pain, suffer, and endure things we’d rather not have to endure. God doesn’t promise us healing or change or to take away our suffering, but He does promise to be with us, to lead us, and to uphold us. And God may choose not to give us what we ask for, even if we ask in faith and really believe that God could.”

“What are some things in your life that you wish God would change or take away?” (let your child share) “What are some things you’ve prayed for that God hasn’t given you?” (let your child share)

“Sometimes God allows suffering in our lives. Suffering is hard, and it often doesn’t make sense. It’s normal for us to want a painful experience to end or ask God to change us or take away our suffering. But instead of placing our faith in God changing our circumstances or taking away our suffering, we place our faith in God, the One who knows what’s best for us. Regardless of what God allows, He is faithful, He loves you, and He is working on your behalf for your good and His glory.

“Same-sex attraction is one of those brokennesses that some people endure and God usually chooses not to take it away. We’re not sure exactly why some people experience same-sex attraction, but we know that God allows it, and we also know that God can use our brokennesses to draw us closer to Him and to remind us of the hope we have in Jesus. If you ever experience same-sex attraction I want you to know that you don’t choose who you are attracted to, you’re not alone and you don’t have to make sense of this alone, you don’t need to feel ashamed–I know this isn’t your fault, God doesn’t love you any less and He has great plans for you, I’m not going to try to make you straight, and I want to walk through this with you. Please don’t ever feel afraid to tell me; I won’t love you any less.”

Conversation Starter for Ages 13+

If you have children ages 13+, read the blog post (or watch the video) with your teen and then discuss some or all of the following questions with them.

Thinking about your friends or peers at school or at church, what’s the conversation like when it comes to Christians and gay people?
What stories have you heard about gay people who have been hurt by Christians?
What do you think it would be like for a gay teen to come out at our church? Who would support them? What would they be offered?
People tend to assume that gay people are born gay, but actually research says that our sexual orientation isn’t genetically or biologically determined (though it is predisposed). We also know that gay people don’t choose to be attracted to people of the same sex. What are the implications of this knowledge? Since they don’t choose their attractions, how does God expect gay people to steward their sexualities?
Why do you think God often allows brokenness to persist in our lives, even when we beg Him to take it away?
What are some ways God can redeem brokenness in our lives?
Despite not working and despite the bad fruit that comes from it, many churches continue to ask gay people to submit to orientation change efforts. Why do you think this is? How can we encourage and befriend gay people who have been hurt by change efforts?
The Holy Spirit promises to help us persevere in the midst of great suffering. How could this be encouraging to gay people? How is this encouraging to you?