Kids are curious and eager to learn about the world around them. Parents often welcome their queries when the questions are cute, like, “Does chocolate milk come from brown cows?” or “Why is the moon called the moon?” or “Why don’t crabs have eyebrows?” But when the questions are about sex, gender, or sexuality, parents may feel uncomfortable or be tempted to give a non-answer.
I’m hopeful that this series will help parents answer the questions kids ask that parents may be hesitant to answer, either from their own embarrassment or because they don’t want to take away their child’s innocence.
As you’re coloring with your young child, he pipes up with an unexpected question: “Mama, why isn’t Ms. Amy married?” Your pre-teen hears this question over the noise of her headphones. “Yeah, Mom, why is Ms. Amy still single?”
Ms. Amy is your child’s _______ (babysitter, Sunday School teacher, coach, teacher, or other prominent adult in their life), and she is indeed unmarried. She’s not even dating anyone. Hmm..what’s the best way to answer this question?
You could give a quick, “She’ll be married when she finds the right man!” or “We hope God brings her a husband soon.” But you realize those answers don’t point kids to God’s design for relationships. And you want to talk to your child about God’s good wisdom for Christian marriage and Christian singleness. But how do you do that in a way that’s kid-friendly? Check out the sample conversations below.
Kids aged 2-5
“Oh, you’ve noticed that Ms. Amy isn’t married. You know, not everyone gets married! Some people stay single for a while, and some stay single for their lifetime. “
“Marriage is good; God is the one who made marriage, and we know that He only gives good things to us. Do you know why He made Christian marriage1?”
“When a man and a woman get married, they’re supposed to love each other in a way that shows others a picture of how much God loves the Church. And God made marriage to be a safe place for kids to grow up and learn about Jesus.”
“Is marriage the only way we can show others a picture of God’s love?”
“You’re right! Marriage isn’t the only way we can show others a picture of God’s love. Sometimes God tells a person not to get married, and that’s not a sad thing! That’s actually a really beautiful way to serve God. Instead of getting married and spending time taking care of children with a spouse, people who commit to stay single spend time serving God’s kingdom in other ways. Single people have time to do so many things for God that mommies and daddies don’t have time to do because we’re busy raising you! Isn’t that wonderful? Maybe one day God will tell you not to marry so you can have extra time to serve Him. Or maybe He will lead you into a Christian marriage where you’ll raise children.”
Kids aged 6-10
“Oh, you noticed that Ms. Amy isn’t married. What do you think about that?” (allow kids time to answer)
“Did you know that God designed two different ways Christians can find deep love and family with others? We can love and be loved in a Christian marriage, and if God calls us to commit to singleness we can love and be loved through a family of other Christians.”
“Do you know what marriage is? Can you tell me more about Christian marriage?” (allow kids time to answer)
“So Christian marriage is when two people, a man and a woman, promise to love each other, do the important work of raising kids, and tell the world about Jesus. And this promise is for their whole lives!”
Parents, if you’re married, talk about how you do these things in your own marriage. Rather than focusing on the romantic aspects of your relationship with your spouse, help your child understand how a Christian marriage tells the world about Jesus and His love for us. Help your child understand that a marriage is the safest, most stable place for kids to grow up and learn about Jesus.
“What about vocational singleness2, do you know what that is?” (allow kids time to answer)
“It’s hard to pronounce, but it’s actually really wonderful. While God wants some people to get married, God wants others to remain single. Instead of getting married and raising kids and telling the world about Jesus through their marriage, people who stay single tell the world about Jesus through their singleness and raise spiritual children! They have the time and energy to do important things for God’s kingdom that parents aren’t able to do.”
Parents, help your child understand the beauty of vocational singleness and the ways it reflects the love in God’s family and preaches the gospel. Tell stories of Christians who have come before us and who remained single for the sake of the kingdom–those who lived full and flourishing lives not in spite of the singleness, but in and through their singleness.
“And you know, neither one is better than the other. People who get married and people who commit to singleness are both doing what God told them to do, and they both serve the Church. We need people who are married, and we need people who stay single.”
Kids age 11+
“Oh, you’ve noticed that Ms. Amy isn’t married. What do you think about that?” (allow kids time to answer)
“Remember how God designed two best ways for Christians to enjoy intimacy in the context of family? Yeah, Christian marriage and vocational singleness. So neither one of those is better than the other. Both are difficult and both are full of joy. Both provide Christians with deep, intimate, committed family. Both have specific kingdom purposes. Unfortunately, our culture and even the Church often values marriage more than it values vocational singleness. We tend to think that we need romance, that we need a sexual partner to make us feel whole. Are you thinking that maybe Ms. Amy is missing out by not being married?” (allow kids time to answer)
“You know, God never promised romance or marriage to Christians. And God knows us, He knows which vocation will bring about the best things for our lives. We should trust Him to pick out the best gift for us. Plus, those who give up marriage, romance, sex, and biological children for the sake of the gospel are doing really important kingdom work. We need them in our church family, and I hope the Church will soon see that vocational singleness is an equal calling to Christian marriage.”
Parents, be truthful about how the Church generally views marriage. Include ways your own local church is upholding or not upholding vocational singleness as equal to the calling of marriage and how your church treats the unmarried, both in policy and in unspoken expectations.
Make sure your children understand that marriage is not only for straight Christians–God does call some same-sex attracted Christians into a mixed-orientation marriage (an opposite-sex marriage in which at least on spouse experiences same-sex attraction). And ensure your children know vocational singleness is not only for gay Christians or those who don’t experience sexual attraction–God can call anyone He wishes into vocational singleness for the sake of His kingdom.
Continuing conversations
These are quick, simple answers to a simple question, but you child needs you to answer the more foundational questions about Christian marriage and vocational singleness, too: Why did God create marriage? What’s its purpose? Who should be in one? Why would anyone commit to singleness? How do I know which one God wants me to enter?
Take some time to have intentional conversations about God’s good gifts of relationships, how He calls Christians to steward them, and how Christians are to use our marriage or our singleness to point others to Him.
To prepare you for those deeper conversations, check out Equip’s on-demand Parent Course. It features a deep dive into theology, practical guides, and over 50 conversation scripts for parents of kids ages 2-12. Get access today at equipyourcommunity.org/parentcourse.
- Christian marriage is a lifetime commitment between one man and one woman to enjoy intimacy with each other, raise children, and embody the gospel for each other and the world. ↩︎
- Vocational singleness is a lifetime commitment to singleness for the sake of the kingdom: to enjoy intimacy with Christian family, raise spiritual children, and embody the gospel for their Christian family and the world. ↩︎
