Kids are curious and eager to learn about the world around them. Parents often welcome their queries when the questions are cute, like, “Does chocolate milk come from brown cows?” or “Why is the moon called the moon?” or “Why don’t crabs have eyebrows?” But when the questions are about sex, gender, or sexuality, parents may feel uncomfortable or be tempted to give a non-answer.
I’m hopeful that this series will help parents answer the questions kids ask that parents may be hesitant to answer, either from their own embarrassment or because they don’t want to take away their child’s innocence.
This first post will cover some best practices for answering kids’ questions. Subsequent posts will cover questions younger kids might ask about sex, sexuality, or gender.
Best Practices
Always answer
If your child asks, always give an answer. Typically, if they’re old enough to ask the question, they’re old enough for an answer. If you brush them off or say, “I’ll tell you when you’re older,” without giving any information, you’re teaching your child that you won’t answer their questions about sex and sexuality and they should seek guidance elsewhere and we’re setting them up to embrace a sexual ethic that mirrors culture’s values instead of God’s wisdom. You want to be the one that sets the tone for these conversations, brings accurate information, and establishes trust.
Simple, honest, factual
Give the information that is needed. Keep it simple, but be honest and use factual information.
For example, if your five-year-old asks, “What’s birth?” you wouldn’t tell them that babies arrive via stork. But you also aren’t going to give a long, academic answer using medica terminology. Instead, you could answer, “Birth is when a baby comes out of its mother’s body.” If your ten-year-old asks the same question, you could answer, “After nine months of growing inside the mother’s uterus, the baby comes out of the mother’s body through the birth canal, which is the passageway from the womb/uterus, through the cervix, vagina, and vulva.”
Tone matters
If you’re shocked or appalled that your kid asked you that question, hide it. Be calm and clear and inviting. Don’t shame your child for noticing something or asking a question.
Place matters
If your kid points and loudly asks why those two men are holding hands, give a short, simple answer and then circle back later, “Remember when you asked me about the two men who were holding hands? I wanted to tell you more…”
Age matters
As your children age, you’ll add more depth and nuance into the same conversations; you don’t need to dump everything on your child all at once.
For example, you wouldn’t talk explicitly about pornography with your three-year-old, but you can begin talking about honoring images of others, listening to their bodies and emotions when something makes them uncomfortable, and internet safety. While you might not explain gay marriage to your four-year old, you can talk about everyone’s need for family, God’s design and purpose for Christian marriage and Christian vocational singleness, loving others who believe or behave differently than us, and how everyone experiences brokenness they don’t choose.
When you’re learning the Ten Commandments together and your six-year-old asks, “What is adultery?” (this happened to me!), you can talk about how God is faithful to us and expects us to be faithful to the vows we make and to treat others with honor and respect. If your twelve-year-old asks the same question, you can talk about abstaining from sexual sin and bring up Matthew 5:27-28 where Jesus notes that adultery isn’t always a physical act.
And if your 12-year-old asks a question while you’re in the car with your 4-year-old, give an answer that’s age-appropriate for the 4-year-old and then circle back to the 12-year-old later, “Hey you know that question you asked? I wanted to give you some more information because you’re 12…”
Avoid assumptions
When we begin to talk to our kids about sexual stewardship, we, as parents, often make two assumptions: We assume that our kids will be attracted to people of the opposite sex, and we assume that our kids will one day marry. While most kids will be attracted to the opposite sex and the majority of our kids will one day marry, when these assumptions color the way we talk about marriage, intimacy, family, and sexual stewardship, we alienate our kids who experience same-sex attraction, and we unintentionally put marriage in a place of honor over singleness.
Many times, small changes to our vocabulary or tone of voice can have a big impact. “When you get married…” can be replaced by “If God calls you to marriage…” or “As you discern whether God has called you to marriage or vocational singleness…”, and “Son, one day you’ll be attracted to some pretty girl…” can be replaced by, “Son, one day you’ll find someone attractive…”
This language speaks to all kids and lets your child know that you’re a safe person to tell should they experience same-sex attraction and takes the pressure off marriage expectations that seem to be the norm within our churches. It lets them know that vocational singleness is an option, even a good option.
Obviously, marriage is a good option, too. There’s nothing wrong with being married; God uses Christian marriage to bless our churches and our world, and they’re the primary places children are raised up in the gospel. But there are many reasons your child may never marry–perhaps God has called them to a specific kind of work that would be best suited to a single person; perhaps there’s a circumstance or experience in your child’s past or present that would make marriage difficult if not impossible. Or maybe God has called your child to marriage, but because of the brokenness in our world, no suitable spouse is available. For every 100 single Christian women, there are somewhere between 60 and 90 men of the same demographic (depending on the denomination/tradition/demographic), meaning there are literally not enough Christian men to go around. Many women beg God to send them a husband and end up waiting for years, or even a lifetime, for a solid Christian man to marry. So affirm singleness, too. The kids who end up single for whatever reason can be assured that they’re not a disappointment to their parents or leading a lesser life just because they lack a spouse.
