Many western Christians mistakenly believe the following about sexual stewardship:
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God gave me desires to marry and have kids because He wants me to get married.
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Marriage is about companionship and mutual fulfillment.
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I only have to have kids if and when I want them.
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God calls a select few to vocational singleness and sustains them spiritually.
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Friendship can’t provide what marriage can and shouldn’t be too close.
At the core of many of these misbeliefs is the idol of romance.
An idol is something we put in the place of God or prioritize over God’s priorities, often from a false promise to provide us with something only God can provide in a way different than He has ordered. We idolize when we misuse or overuse something good into being something ultimate.
While various reasonable definition exist, let’s describe romance as
an emotional desire for sensual love with another person and the courtship behaviors undertaken by an individual to express those feelings on a trajectory of erotic love
Imagine an understanding of romance particularly related to eros that includes exclusivity and certain physical intimacy associated with dating and marriage.
The idol of romance, then, promises us love, belonging, family, pleasure, and an escape from loneliness. At what costs? Abortion, thoughtless contraception, divorce, adultery, casual connection, and codependency.
You might notice I’ve been intentional to focus on romance idolatry, not marriage idolatry. Why? Because healthy theology and practice of Christian marriage are not the problem. And romance idolatry takes root long before marriage. Disney movies and Taylor Swift songs teach our children that magically coupled love is the best thing the world has to offer.
Christians offer the idol of romance, too.
Unfortunately, Christians offer the same idolatry, but with a facade of spirituality. Do you recognize this quote from a top-selling book about Christian masculinity?
“Deep in his heart, every man longs for a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue… A woman doesn’t want to be the adventure; she wants to be caught up into something greater than herself…every woman wants to have a beauty to unveil…to simply and truly be the beauty, and be delighted in.”
Do you notice the idol of romance? From an early age, parents and pastors highlight Bible stories and holidays centering romance and marriage. When parents comment, “When you get married…” or ask, “Are you dating anyone?” they leave no room for stories or celebrations of singleness for the sake of Christ’s kingdom. Christian teens assume they are free to indulge in romance as much as they want, as long as they don’t cross certain lines. 72% of pastors surveyed by Equip believe “If a person desires to marry and have kids, then God wants them to marry.”
This leads to painful results. Half of Christian marriages end in divorce, and studies show that singles struggle more with depression, anxiety, doubt in God’s existence, and rebounding from doubt.¹
Romance isn’t necessary to be fully human.
In contrast, neither sex nor romance is promised in Scripture or necessary to meet our intimacy needs. Quite the opposite. Jesus didn’t have sex. Paul was committed to celibacy. Many of the mothers and fathers of the Church have been celibate. And Jesus says that in Heaven, there won’t be any more marriage or sex.
In Matthew 22:30, He says this: “At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.” It doesn’t make too much sense that the example of our faith was celibate or that we will all be celibate in Heaven if marriage and sex are necessary to be fully human.
Discernment is the solution.
Instead of taking whatever we want, the Scriptures say God wants to give us a good gift of either vocational singleness or Christian marriage, and we should seek His preference through discernment.
The best way to confront romance idolatry isn’t by tearing down marriage, but instead lifting up biblical teaching about discernment and vocational singleness.
Learn more with our recent post on how leaders can help young adults discern celibacy and marriage.
¹ Barna Group. (2017, July 17). Two-thirds of Christians face doubt. Barna Group. Retrieved May 8, 2022, from https://www.barna.com/research/two-thirds-christians-face-doubt/
Robert Dawson
I can remember a woman walking out and not returning to a Bible study two years ago when I brought up the verse about not marrying or being given in marriage in Heaven. Shalom!
James Wesley
When you’re a Christian single and you openly express your desire for marriage, well-meaning people will often warn you about “idolatry.”
This can be kinda annoying or condescending, to be honest. it seems like every time singles express the desire, somebody will throw out the old “idolatry” warning. Or when someone writes or preaches about marriage to singles, they start with the caveat that wanting marriage is good “as long as you don’t make an idol out of it,” or something like that. I wonder how many Christians keep quiet about this desire, or minimize it, because they don’t want to hear these sorts of things.
You can, however, desire a romance/marriage/sex badly without making it an “idol,” though. In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul talks about people who “burn with passion,” but he doesn’t accuse them of idolatry. He encourages them to marry.
I wonder if this has any negative consequences. Can the desire for marriage really become an idol? Yeah, sure, technically, probably. But I think people can blow that notion out of proportion. It might cause some people to be tepid in their approach to marriage, and make them afraid that any amount of thinking or acting on their desire might be somehow sinful. Both, of course, have the unfortunate consequence of making marriage even less likely to happen. Isn’t that ironic?
In the Bible, when verses talk about “idols,” they’re almost always talking about physical idols, from other pagan religions. And, sure, some people can be unreasonable and put marriage and romance up on an impossible pedestal. But I don’t think most people do that; they simply have a strong desire, and they can’t help it. In Timothy 4:1-5, interestingly, Paul talks about demonic doctrines, and one of them he lists is “men who forbid marriage.” If Paul wrote the book of Hebrews, he also said that marriage something that should be honored.
Paul also wrote that “But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband” (1 Corinthians 7:2). I think it’s unlikely that a godly desire for a biblical marriage would become a real idol. And biblical marriage seems to be the antidote to much of the real idolatry — “sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed” — that we see in the world.
Also, look at some biblical examples of parenthood. Rebekah was barren and prayed for a child. Rachel was heartbroken about her barrenness and basically demanded children from Jacob. Hannah cried bitterly and openly about her inability to have children, and Eli (after misunderstanding her) prayed for God to grant her request. These women had strong and passionate desires for good things that God designed, and openly expressed their pain when these things didn’t come to pass. Nowhere in the Bible are these people criticized or condemned for “idolatry.”
People mean well when they warn singles about turning their desires into “idolatry,” but I think they can overdo it sometimes.
You also mention certain “mistaken” beliefs.
“1. God gave me desires to marry and have kids because He wants me to get married.”
Now, this MIGHT be a “mistaken” belief. I’m not sure. I don’t know how much God really involves Himself in our romantic lives. But Jesus DID say that not everyone is able to accept celibacy.
And what all did Paul say about this? Paul says he has no “commandment from God” about this. Paul says that he wishes that everyone was single like him ── not that God wishes it. Paul says that he, personally, is content with being single, but he admits that not everyone is like that. He says that it’s good to stay single, but that it’s better to marry if you have strong desires. Paul “supposes” that it’s better to stay single because of “the present distress,” some crisis that the church in Corinth was dealing with at the time. He says you’re not sinning by marrying. Paul says a widow would be happier if she stayed single, but he admits that this is just a personal opinion. Evidently, many people are not happier being single. In 1 Timothy 4:1-3 Paul also condemns people who forbid marriage. And if Paul wrote the Book of Hebrews, then he also said that marriage is a good thing.
“2. Marriage is about companionship and mutual fulfillment.”
I don’t know why this belief is “mistaken.” Marriage DOES involve those things. I mean, marriage is the most intimate form of companionship, isn’t it? And marriage does involve mutual fulfillment. Paul talks about that in 1 Corinthians 7. Why is Paul “mistaken” here?
“3. I only have to have kids if and when I want them.”
Well, this one MIGHT be a mistaken belief. But if you want to have sex within marriage, you have to prepare for the possibility of having kids. I understand that, for sure.
“4. God calls a select few to vocational singleness and sustains them spiritually.”
I do believe that God does this. Both Jesus and Paul talked about that. But just because someone is single doesn’t mean that it’s because God called them. Jesus talks about that in Matthew 19. Some people are single by circumstance, not because God chose that for them.
“5. Friendship can’t provide what marriage can and shouldn’t be too close.”
Why is this a mistaken belief? Marriage is not the same thing as platonic friendship. I can’t experience romantic love through platonic friendship. I can’t experience sexual pleasure through platonic friendship.
Also, when you’re a Christian single and you openly express your desire for marriage, well-meaning people will often warn you about “idolatry.”
This can be kinda annoying or condescending, to be honest. it seems like every time singles express the desire, somebody will throw out the old “idolatry” warning. Or when someone writes or preaches about marriage to singles, they start with the caveat that wanting marriage is good “as long as you don’t make an idol out of it,” or something like that. I wonder how many Christians keep quiet about this desire, or minimize it, because they don’t want to hear these sorts of things.
You CAN, however, desire a romance/marriage/sex badly without making it an “idol,” though. In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul talks about people who “burn with passion,” but he doesn’t accuse them of idolatry. He encourages them to marry.
I wonder if this has any negative consequences. Can the desire for marriage really become an idol? Yeah, sure, technically, probably. But I think people can blow that notion out of proportion. It might cause some people to be tepid in their approach to marriage, and make them afraid that any amount of thinking or acting on their desire might be somehow sinful. Both, of course, have the unfortunate consequence of making marriage even less likely to happen. Isn’t that ironic?
In the Bible, when verses talk about “idols,” they’re almost always talking about physical idols, from other pagan religions. And, sure, some people can be unreasonable and put marriage and romance up on an impossible pedestal. But I don’t think most people do that; they simply have a strong desire, and they can’t help it. In Timothy 4:1-5, interestingly, Paul talks about demonic doctrines, and one of them he lists is “men who forbid marriage.” If Paul wrote the book of Hebrews, he also said that marriage something that should be honored.
Paul also wrote that “But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband” (1 Corinthians 7:2). I think it’s unlikely that a godly desire for a biblical marriage would become a real idol. And biblical marriage seems to be the antidote to much of the real idolatry — “sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed” — that we see in the world.
Also, look at some biblical examples of parenthood. Rebekah was barren and prayed for a child. Rachel was heartbroken about her barrenness and basically demanded children from Jacob. Hannah cried bitterly and openly about her inability to have children, and Eli (after misunderstanding her) prayed for God to grant her request. These women had strong and passionate desires for good things that God designed, and openly expressed their pain when these things didn’t come to pass. Nowhere in the Bible are these people criticized or condemned for “idolatry.”
People mean well when they warn singles about turning their desires into “idolatry,” but I think they can overdo it sometimes.
Also, the desire for romance is a normal part of being human. And there’s healthy and goldy ways to pursue it and enjoy it.
“The idol of romance, then, promises us love, belonging, family, pleasure, and an escape from loneliness. At what costs? Abortion, thoughtless contraception, divorce, adultery, casual connection, and codependency.”
So, if I desire and pursue romance, it’s inevitable that I’ll end up in these places? Wow. That’s pretty bleak.
Also, I can only speak for myself, but I don’t want romance or marriage because Christian or even worldly society brainwashed me into wanting these things. These desires are a normal part of being human.
In Genesis God says that it wasn’t good for man to be alone. Isn’t that interesting? The first marriage happened while Adam had a perfect, sinless relationship with God. In other words it wasn’t a lack of “God being enough” that made Him create Eve and put them together. God looked at Adam and said it wasn’t good for man to be alone.
Wait! You mean even when he was totally with God, Adam still needed someone else? Whoops.
I get that the Bible doesn’t promise us “sex or romance.” I think it can help sometimes to keep that in mind. Still, it doesn’t promise us singleness, either. And, yeah, sure, Jesus didn’t have sex. So what? I’m not Jesus. There’s no evidence in the Bible that Jesus ever had that desire. And even if He did, well, obviously He was able to resist that desire with more power than I ever could. And Jesus Himself said that not everyone is able to accept celibacy. I agree with Him! Hahahaha!
You also mention that Paul was also committed celibacy. Well, great. Good for him. And, yeah, sure, Paul said good things about singleness. But he said OTHER things, too. Paul says he has no “commandment from God” about this. Paul says that HE wishes that everyone was single like him ── not that GOD wishes it. Paul says that HE, personally, is content with being single, but he admits that not everyone is like that. He says that it’s good to stay single, but that it’s BETTER to marry if you have strong desires. Paul “supposes” that it’s better to stay single because of “the present distress,” some crisis that the church in Corinth was dealing with at the time. He says you’re not sinning by marrying. Paul says a widow would be happier if she stayed single, but he admits that this is just a personal opinion. Evidently, many people are NOT happier being single. In 1 Timothy 4:1-3 Paul also condemns people who forbid marriage. And if Paul wrote the Book of Hebrews, then he also said that marriage is a good thing.
Sure, I get that there’s no marriage in Heaven. I also assume that we won’t have the DESIRE for marriage in Heaven. But we’re not IN Heaven right now. We might not be there more millennia. Knowing about Heaven doesn’t make these desires go away. It doesn’t even make them any less intense.
“It doesn’t make too much sense that the example of our faith was celibate or that we will all be celibate in Heaven if marriage and sex are necessary to be fully human.” OK, but I don’t think most people want marriage or sex because they think it’s necessary to make them human. They simply have strong desires for it. Nothing wrong with that. Both Jesus and Paul allowed for that, despite their own personal preferences for singleness for themselves.
If you’re a Christian, and you desire marriage, that’s OK. And if you’re a Christian and you passionately desire marriage, that’s OK, too. It doesn’t automatically make you guilty of “idolatry.”