During Pride Month, Christians often feel like there are only two options. Either we defend historic Christian sexual ethics in a way that sounds cold, dismissive, or defensive, or we soften what Christians have historically believed in order to prove that we love LGBT+ people.
I don’t think either of those options is faithful. And I don’t think either of those options is loving.
So today I want to ask the question directly: Is God’s wisdom homophobic? More specifically, is God’s wisdom about gay sex homophobic?
That question may make some of us uncomfortable. Some of us may feel like even asking it gives too much ground away to the culture. Others may feel relieved, because it names something we’ve been afraid to say out loud. And for some LGBT+ Christians, this question is not theoretical. It is tied to years of shame, silence, rejection, loneliness, family conflict, and fear about whether following Jesus will mean losing the possibility of being fully loved.
So I want to say from the beginning that I think this is a fair question. I don’t think we need to scold people for asking it. A lot of LGBT+ people have heard Christians use the Bible in ways that sound like disgust. They have watched Christians care more about winning arguments than caring for actual people. They have heard pastors talk about “the gay agenda” more than they have heard pastors talk about God’s love for gay people. They have been told to pray their attractions away. They have been pressured to pursue forms of therapy or ministry that promised to make them straight. They have been treated as uniquely dangerous, uniquely broken, uniquely shameful, or uniquely disqualified.
And even in churches with better theology than that many gay Christians still look around and wonder where they are supposed to belong. Who is going to be family to me if I don’t marry? Why do straight Christians get so much patience around sexual sin, while gay Christians are expected to carry a costly sexual ethic with very little support? Why does the Church say vocational singleness is good, but then treat marriage like the only happy ending? Why do people tell me God is enough while they go home to spouses, children, and extended family rhythms I’m rarely invited into?
Those are not rebellious questions. They are pastoral questions. And if the Church can’t face those questions honestly, we should not be surprised when LGBT+ people assume our sexual ethic is harmful.
So in this webinar, I want to make an argument with two parts.
First, God’s wisdom is not homophobic. God’s wisdom does not intend harm for LGBT+ people. God’s wisdom does not require the harm of LGBT+ people. God’s wisdom, when embodied faithfully by the Church, leads toward life.
But second, Christians have often been homophobic. And many churches still have forms of systemic homophobia that get in the way of gay Christians experiencing God’s wisdom as good news.So the problem is not God’s wisdom. The problem is the Church’s failure to embody it. And if we want gay Christians, parents, pastors, and our unbelieving neighbors to believe that God’s wisdom is good, we have to become communities where that wisdom actually looks like good news.
Homophobic?
Before we can ask whether God’s wisdom is homophobic, we need to define what we mean. The word homophobia gets used in a lot of different ways. Sometimes people use it to mean any belief that gay sex is a sin. Other times people use it to mean hatred or disgust toward gay people. Sometimes it refers to legal discrimination. Sometimes it refers to personal prejudice. Sometimes it refers to religious teaching. Sometimes it refers to family rejection.
For the sake of this conversation, I want to use a simple definition. I’d say something is homophobic when it either intends to harm gay people, or has the effect of harming gay people. It’s most clearly homophobic when both are true.
So if someone mocks gay people, demeans them, excludes them, threatens them, rejects them, pressures them, or treats them with contempt because they are gay, that is homophobic.
If a system, a church culture, a family pattern, or a theological practice produces avoidable harm for gay people, even when no one intends harm, we still need to ask whether homophobia is at work.
That gives us two questions for today. Does God’s wisdom intend harm toward gay people? And does God’s wisdom have the effect of harming gay people? Then we need to ask two more questions. Have Christians intended or caused harm toward gay people? And do our churches still maintain patterns that burden gay Christians and keep them from flourishing?
How About God?
My answer to the first question is no. God’s wisdom does not intend harm toward gay people.
God does not hate gay people. God is not disgusted by gay people. God is not surprised by gay people. God does not look at a boy who realizes he is attracted to other boys and think, “You are too much for me.” God does not look at a girl who realizes she is attracted to other girls and think, “You are uniquely dirty.” God does not look at me, as a gay Christian committed to historic Christian sexual ethics, and think, “Your life is a tragic exception to my goodness.”
God loves LGBT+ people. God made LGBT+ people in His image. Jesus died and rose for LGBT+ people. The Holy Spirit gives gifts to LGBT+ people for the building up of the Church.
LGBT+ people are not problems for the Church to solve. They are people to be loved, honored, discipled, listened to, welcomed, and called to costly obedience like everyone else.That has to be the starting place. When Christians start with disgust, fear, or culture-war defensiveness, we are already off the path of Jesus. Of course, the deeper question is not only whether God loves gay people. Many Christians would say God loves gay people. The harder question is whether God’s commands are loving. Because a person might say, “Sure, maybe God loves gay people in some abstract way. But if God forbids gay people from marrying the person they fall in love with, if God forbids gay sex, if God calls many gay Christians to celibacy, isn’t that harmful?”
That is the real question. And I think the answer begins with the broader story of Christian sexual stewardship. Historic Christian sexual ethics are not first a “no” to gay people. They are a vision for every Christian. God calls every Christian to submit their sexuality to Him. Every Christian is first called to a period of abstinent singleness. During that period, we learn to receive our bodies, desires, loneliness, friendships, and capacity for intimacy as things that belong to God.Then some Christians are called to Christian marriage, a lifelong covenant between one man and one woman with openness to the kingdom work of raising children and embodying the gospel. Other Christians are called to vocational singleness, a lifelong calling to abstinent singleness for the sake of kingdom work with undivided attention.That means God’s wisdom for gay Christians is not a special punishment. It is the same basic framework for everyone. Gay Christians are called to the same two vocations as straight Christians: Christian marriage or vocational singleness.
Now, I realize that lands differently for gay Christians. For many straight Christians, Christian marriage may feel more naturally available. For many gay Christians, vocational singleness may feel like the more likely path. I know that personally. I know what it feels like to hear the Church talk about marriage and family as if those are the only signs of adulthood, maturity, blessing, and belonging. I know what it feels like to wonder whether the future God is offering me is actually good. I know what it feels like to ask whether obedience will mean loneliness.
So I don’t want to speak about this cheaply. But I do want to say that Scripture does not present celibacy as a curse. Jesus was celibate. Paul commends celibacy. The New Testament teaches that the family of God is real family. Jesus promises a hundredfold family, homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and fields to those who lose ordinary forms of family for His sake.That means when God calls someone to vocational singleness, He is not calling them to a life without intimacy. He is calling them to a different form of intimacy. He is not calling them to be alone for the sake of the gospel. He is calling them to deep family in the Body of Christ for the sake of the gospel.
So if gay Christians hear the Church say, “Give up gay sex and gay marriage, and then go be lonely with Jesus,” that is not God’s wisdom. That is a distortion of God’s wisdom. God’s wisdom is not, “Gay people must be alone.” God’s wisdom is that every Christian is made for God and for family in the Body of Christ, and that sex and marriage are good gifts, but they are not necessary for full human life. That is hard to believe in a culture addicted to romance. It is also hard to believe in churches that are addicted to marriage. But it is Christian. And I think it is good.
Now we need to ask the third question. Even if God does not intend harm, does historic Christian sexual ethics have the effect of harming gay people?
Causes of Harm
Many people would say yes. They would point to suicide rates among LGBT+ youth. They would point to family rejection.They would point to stories of shame, depression, anxiety, and religious trauma. They would point to people who tried to follow historic Christian sexual ethics and ended up despairing. We need to take those concerns seriously. We should never respond to someone’s pain with a theological shrug.
But we also need to be careful. We have to ask what exactly is causing the harm. Is the harm caused by God’s wisdom itself? Or is the harm caused by false promises, shame, rejection, secrecy, hypocrisy, and lack of support?I think the evidence points strongly to the second.
One of the most harmful approaches Christians have taken is what people often call “pray the gay away” theology. The ex-gay movement promised people that if they prayed enough, surrendered enough, healed their wounds enough, became masculine enough or feminine enough, or pursued the right counseling or ministry, their sexual orientation could change. That false hope has crushed people. It crushed me. From about age 13 to 23, I prayed hundreds of times that God would make me straight. I went to multiple ministries and counseling spaces hoping they could fix me. I absorbed the idea that if I was still gay, it probably meant I had not surrendered enough, or had not healed enough, or had not tried hard enough. And that did not lead me to holiness. It led me to shame, anxiety, isolation, and despair.
Research on sexual orientation change efforts has consistently shown that most people do not experience meaningful change in sexual orientation. Some research suggests only a tiny percentage report change, and even those results are usually self-reported and difficult to verify. Research has also connected participation in sexual orientation change efforts with increased suicidality. One commonly cited study found that participation in these efforts increased suicide attempts by 92 percent. So we need to say clearly that “pray the gay away” theology harms people.
But that is not historic Christian sexual ethics. That is a distortion of historic Christian sexual ethics. The Bible does not promise that gay people will become straight. The Bible does not teach that same-sex attraction itself is a sin. The Bible does not teach that gay people have to change their attractions in order to belong in the Church. The Bible does not teach that gay people are uniquely broken or uniquely dirty. The Bible calls all of us to steward our desires according to God’s wisdom.
Another major source of harm is family rejection. We know that LGBT+ teens are already at higher risk of depression, anxiety, and suicidality. And we know that rejection makes that worse. Research from the Family Acceptance Project has shown that gay teens from highly rejecting families are far more likely to attempt suicide than gay teens from less rejecting families.Again, we need to pay attention to that.
But family rejection is not God’s wisdom. If a child shares that he or she is experiencing same-sex attraction, Christian parents should not respond with panic, disgust, silence, withdrawal, or pressure. A Christian parent should be able to say, “Thank you for telling me. I love you. God loves you. I’m not afraid of you. We are going to walk with you. You don’t have to figure this out alone.” That does not require abandoning historic Christian sexual ethics. It requires embodying them like Jesus.
Another source of harm is the closet. Many gay Christians spend years making sense of their attractions alone. They are afraid to tell their parents, pastors, friends, or small group. They listen carefully for clues about whether they are safe. They hear jokes. They hear silence. They hear harsh comments about gay people. They hear Christians talk about LGBT+ people as enemies in a culture war. And so they hide. That hiding is costly. It can create shame, anxiety, depression, sexual secrecy, pornography use, self-hatred, and distance from God. But again, the closet is not God’s wisdom. The closet is often created by churches that do not know how to talk about sexuality with both clarity and compassion.
So when people say, “Historic Christian sexual ethics harm gay people,” I want to slow down and ask: Which version? Embodied how? In what kind of family? In what kind of church? With what kind of support? With what teaching about celibacy? With what level of honesty? With what pastoral care? With what friendships? With what hope? Because a gay teen hearing, “God hates homosexuality, don’t ever act on it, don’t talk about it, and maybe God will make you straight if you try hard enough,” is receiving something deeply harmful. But a gay teen hearing, “God loves you, you did not choose this, you are not dirty, God’s wisdom is good, your future can be beautiful, you don’t have to be fixed to be loved, and we will help you find family and follow Jesus,” is receiving something very different.
That second thing is what I mean by a compassionate historic Christian sexual ethic. And we have reason to believe that this path can lead to life. Mark Yarhouse and Olya Zaporozhets wrote a book called Costly Obedience based on research with Christians who experience same-sex attraction, hold historic Christian convictions, and are stewarding that openly. And one of the most striking findings is that this group was doing better than many people would expect. On measures of depression, anxiety, stress, distress, and well-being, most were in the normal range. On a measure of well-being, most scored high on overall life satisfaction. That does not mean this path is easy. It does not mean every gay celibate Christian is thriving. It does not mean churches are doing enough. But it does challenge the assumption that a historic sexual ethic inevitably causes despair. A compassionate historic sexual ethic, embodied well, can lead toward life.
But we should also talk honestly about the revisionist sexual ethic. By revisionist, I mean the view that God blesses same-sex marriage in the same way He blesses marriage between a man and a woman. Many people embrace revisionist sexual ethics because they are trying to reduce harm. They have seen shame. They have seen rejection. They have seen suicide risk. They have seen the cruelty of “pray the gay away” theology. They have watched gay Christians suffer in churches that had no real plan for their flourishing. And they think, “Surely a God of love would not ask this of them.” I understand that instinct. I really do. And I want to be honest that many revisionist communities offer some goods that churches who profess a biblical sexual ethic have failed to offer. They often offer LGBT+ people a place to be honest. They often reduce shame. They often make it easier for people to speak openly about their stories. They often create immediate relief from secrecy and fear. Churches who profess a biblical sexual ethic should learn from that. Not by abandoning God’s wisdom but by asking why gay Christians so often have to leave historic Christian communities in order to feel known, wanted, and safe.
At the same time, I do not believe revisionist sexual ethics ultimately lead to God’s best. I say that with grief, not with triumph. Many of the gay Christian friends I’ve known who adopted a revisionist sexual ethic eventually stopped believing in God. And for many of them, the path made a kind of sad sense.At first, they perform theological acrobatics to read the Bible in support of same-sex marriages. Then after a while, they reluctantly agree with a majority of queer theologians who say that the Bible probably says what Christians have understood it to say for 2000 years: the God of the Bible condemns gay sex and gay marriage. Yet, these gay Christians continue to believe that the real God supports gay marriage. The Bible is just outdated and lacks authority or relevance for modern people, they say. But once they decided that the Bible and the Church couldn’t tell them who God is, they realized they were just worshiping a god they came up with in their own minds. They wondered, “What’s the likelihood that the god of my imagination is real?” Eventually they stopped believing in God all together.
Today, very few of the gay Christians I know who have lived in a revisionist sexual ethic for five years or more still make a straightforward confession of historic Nicene Christianity. Some still use Christian language, but the authority of Scripture, the authority of the Church, and even the basic claims of the Creed have often become negotiable. That does not mean every revisionist Christian is insincere. It does not mean every revisionist Christian is on the same path. Many love Jesus deeply and are trying to be faithful. But I do think revisionist sexual ethics often carry spiritual costs that are not obvious at the beginning.
In Andrew Marin’s Us Versus Us, he reports that the primary reason many LGBT+ people leave the faith is not simply theology about sex and gender. It is negative personal experiences with Christians and local churches. Exclusion. Estrangement. Teaching without compassion. False hope for orientation change. Families and churches that could not hold truth and love together. That is painful because it means many LGBT+ people are not necessarily leaving because God’s wisdom failed them. They are leaving because Christians did. And that should sober us. Because when churches fail to embody historic Christian sexual ethics with love, we create the conditions that make revisionist sexual ethics feel like the only humane option. If we tell gay Christians no to gay sex, no to gay marriage, no to romance, no to honesty, no to leadership, no to trust, no to family, no to belonging, no to a future that feels livable, then we should not be shocked when they go somewhere else looking for good news.
The answer is not to turn God’s no into a yes. The answer is to recover all of God’s yes. Yes, you are loved. Yes, you belong in the Body of Christ. Yes, your life can be beautiful. Yes, vocational singleness is good. Yes, friendship can be deep and committed. Yes, the Church can become family. Yes, your gifts matter. Yes, your obedience can bear fruit. Yes, your future can be filled with kingdom work, intimacy, and joy. So when we ask whether God’s wisdom has the effect of harming gay people, my answer is no, not when it is actually embodied as God gave it. But a mutilated version of that wisdom has harmed gay people. A silent version has harmed gay people. A shame-based version has harmed gay people. A “fix yourself first” version has harmed gay people. A “go be lonely” version has harmed gay people. A version that demands sacrifice from gay Christians while refusing to become family for them has harmed gay people.
And that brings us to the harder part of the conversation. God’s wisdom is not homophobic. But Christians have often been homophobic. We need to say that plainly. Some Christians have mocked gay people, used slurs, treated gay people as predators, blamed gay people for social collapse, laughed at AIDS, pressured people into sexual orientation change efforts, and spoken about LGBT+ people with open disgust. And sometimes Christians have hidden that disgust behind theology. That is sin. It is not courage. It is not faithfulness. It is not “speaking the truth in love.” It is sin.
We also need to admit that Christians have sometimes used LGBT+ people as political symbols rather than treating them as neighbors. Christians can care about marriage, religious liberty, education, parental rights, and the protection of children. But when gay people become props in our culture-war imagination, when we care more about defeating “the gay agenda” than winning gay people, when we talk as if LGBT+ people are the great threat to Christian civilization while ignoring our own greed, divorce, abuse, pornography, racism, neglect of the poor, and prayerlessness, we are no longer seeing gay people as image-bearers. That is homophobia, too.
And if we want to speak credibly about God’s wisdom, we need to repent. Repentance does not mean abandoning historic Christian sexual ethics. Repentance means turning away from the contempt, fear, disgust, scapegoating, silence, false promises, and relational neglect that have distorted our witness.
But we have to go deeper, because homophobia is not only individual. It can be systemic. By systemic homophobia, I don’t mean every church with a historic sexual ethic is hateful or secretly bigoted. I mean churches can create structures, assumptions, habits, and patterns that make it harder for gay Christians to flourish, even when no one is trying to hurt them.
A church can have the right statement of faith and still be a place where gay Christians slowly suffocate. A church can say, “We love gay people,” while never talking publicly about God’s love for gay people. A church can say, “We believe in celibacy,” while never teaching celibacy as a beautiful calling for straight Christians. A church can say, “The Church is family,” while leaving single people to eat most dinners alone. A church can say, “Same-sex attraction is not a sin,” while treating anyone who shares about same-sex attraction with quiet suspicion. Gay Christians feel those contradictions. We feel them when marriage is celebrated constantly and vocational singleness is treated like a consolation prize. We feel them when pastors preach against gay sex but rarely preach against porn, cohabitation, divorce without biblical cause, emotional affairs, romance idolatry, or straight Christians treating dating as recreational intimacy. We feel them when people are comfortable having theological opinions about our lives but uncomfortable inviting us into their homes. And after a while, the Church’s message starts to sound like this: “You carry the cross. We’ll keep our lives mostly the same.” That is not good enough. If we call gay Christians to costly obedience, we have to be willing to practice costly belonging.
A Better Church
So what do we do? We repent and repair. Not just by saying, “We are sorry Christians were cruel in the past,” but by building churches now where gay Christians can flourish according to God’s wisdom.
First, we need to tell the truth about same-sex attraction without shame. We need to teach that gay people do not choose who they are attracted to. We need to teach that same-sex attraction itself is not a sin. We need to stop promising sexual orientation change. We need to stop treating enduring same-sex attraction as evidence of spiritual failure. And we need to talk about LGBT+ people before there is a crisis, so children and teenagers already know God loves them, their parents are safe, their pastors are safe, and they do not have to figure out their sexuality alone.
Second, we need to hold straight Christians to the same sexual ethic we ask gay Christians to follow. If churches only get serious about sexual holiness when gay people are involved, gay Christians notice. We need to take pornography seriously. We need to take cohabitation seriously. We need to take divorce without biblical cause seriously. We need to take adultery, emotional affairs, romance idolatry, and recreational dating seriously. We need to stop acting like gay sex is the only sexual sin that threatens Christian faithfulness. Historic Christian sexual ethics are not a special burden for gay people. They are God’s wisdom for all of us.
Third, we need to make vocational singleness imaginable, honored, and supported for all Christians. Children in our churches should grow up hearing that Christian marriage and vocational singleness are both beautiful possibilities. Teenagers should not only be taught to “save themselves for marriage,” as if marriage is guaranteed. They should be taught to submit their sexuality to God and discern whether God is calling them to marriage or vocational singleness. Straight Christians should be invited to discern vocational singleness, too. If we only ever ask gay Christians to consider celibacy, we are communicating that celibacy is a punishment for being gay.And once someone embraces vocational singleness, churches need to honor and support that calling in practical ways. Put vocational singles in leadership. Invite them to be godparents. Honor their commitments. Share testimonies about their kingdom work. Include them in family rhythms. Ask what kind of support they need. Help them build intentional Christian community. Do not make marriage the only vocation with cake, pictures, public vows, showers, anniversaries, and social honor. Vocational singleness should be taught, honored, supported, and celebrated because Jesus and Paul taught it, and because the whole Church needs it.
Fourth, we need to help gay Christians find real family. Not just “join a small group” family. Not just “Jesus is enough” family. Actual people who share meals, show up in emergencies, include them in holidays, invite them on vacations, give them keys, know their stories, and plan to still be around in ten years. That kind of belonging does not happen by accident. It has to be built. If we call gay Christians to costly obedience, we have to be willing to practice costly belonging.
Fifth, we need to teach parents and pastors to respond without panic. If your child shares that he or she is gay, your first calling is not to solve everything in one conversation. Your first calling is to make sure your child knows they are loved, safe, wanted, and not alone. You can hold to historic Christian sexual ethics and still be the safest person your child knows. In fact, you should be. You can say, “I believe God’s wisdom is good, and I also know this may feel scary or unfair or confusing. We don’t need to figure everything out tonight. I love you. I’m grateful you told me. I want to walk with you.” That kind of response can change a life. Pastors need the same instinct. When someone shares that they are gay, you do not need to panic. You do not need to give a full theology of marriage in the first five minutes. You do not need to ask invasive questions. You do not need to distance yourself. Start by honoring the courage it took to share. Ask what their experience has been like. Ask who knows. Ask what they are afraid will happen now. Ask what they need. Then, over time, help them follow Jesus with honesty, courage, and support.
All of this is part of repentance. The Church has to become a place where gay Christians can tell the truth without being rushed, managed, fixed, or quietly moved to the margins. We need to become communities where gay Christians are not merely told what to avoid, but welcomed into a life worth saying yes to. So let’s return to the question.
Is God’s wisdom homophobic?
If homophobia means intending harm toward gay people, then no. God’s wisdom is not homophobic. God’s intent toward LGBT+ people is love. He made them in His image. He died for them. He wants their good. His commands flow from His love.If homophobia means having the effect of harming gay people, then again, I do not believe God’s wisdom harms gay people when it is embodied faithfully. A compassionate historic sexual ethic can lead toward life, holiness, mental health, belonging, kingdom fruit, and joy.
But if we ask whether Christians have been homophobic, the answer is yes.
And if we ask whether churches still practice forms of systemic homophobia, the answer is also yes. Too many churches have asked gay Christians to obey a costly sexual ethic while refusing to build the family that makes that obedience livable. Too many churches have treated celibacy as a theological category but not a shared community responsibility. Too many churches have demanded clarity from LGBT+ people without offering safety, patience, honor, and embodied love.That has to change.
Let’s follow God’s lead.
During Pride Month, Christians do not need to panic. We do not need to posture. We do not need to wave away hard questions. We can face the question honestly. No, God’s wisdom is not homophobic. But if churches want the world to believe that, we have to stop getting in the way of God’s best for gay Christians. We have to become communities where costly obedience is met with costly belonging. Truth and love belong together. Truth without love distorts God’s wisdom. Love without truth distorts God’s wisdom, too. Truth and love belong together because they are together in Jesus. Jesus does not lie to us about sin, and Jesus does not abandon us in our suffering. Jesus calls us to die, and Jesus promises resurrection. Jesus tells us to lose our lives, and He promises that when we lose our lives for His sake, we find them. That is the Christian story.
So for gay Christians, the question is not whether God is asking something costly. He is. God asks costly things of every Christian. The question is whether the costly path of Jesus leads to life.I believe it does. And I believe the Church has a responsibility to embody that life so clearly that gay Christians can see it, taste it, and believe it might be true. When the Church finally embodies both truth and love, God’s wisdom will look a lot more like good news.
