Check out this interview with Robby Ortiz, a hospice chaplain, preacher, and podcast host. Learn more about the Enter the Grayzone Podcast at linktr.ee/therobbyortiz, contact him at grayzonerob@gmail.com, or follow him at www.instagram.com/therobbyortiz.
What’s your story, and how did you end up serving as a hospice chaplain, preacher, and podcast host? What personal experiences shaped your heart for ministry at the intersection of faith, family, and sexuality conversations?
I spent roughly nine years in Australia serving in church as an intern and eventually as a pastoral care pastor. It was not a role I ever saw myself doing. At times I felt like I didn’t have what it took to serve. But other leaders encouraged me, and thanks to their training and God’s anointing I was able to pastor people through the highs and lows of their life. Eventually I took to pastoral care like a duck to water. Our family loved our time in Australia, but God began a process of drawing us back to the USA.
When we landed, we had no jobs and no clear direction. God opened a seemingly random door into hospice chaplaincy. Chaplaincy was a God thing. Not something I pursued but exactly where He wanted me to arrive. Having done pastoral work of this nature for years, refining the work down to a distilled and distinct role made work surprisingly easy. The number of hats that pastors wear is unfortunately out of control. As a chaplain, my goals and boundaries were clearly defined and I could clock out at 5:00pm.
Because chaplaincy fit so well into my skill set and capacity, I found room to breathe. The extra space left me reflecting on the past decade and the many experiences I had in ministry. I knew I had met many people who were ill-equipped for the real lives believers lived despite years of being faithful church goers and professed Christians. I wanted to turn my experience and my love for having deep, meaningful conversations into a ministry. So, like most guys in their late 30s, I started a podcast. The goal: engage the gray zone of faith and culture with grace and truth. No debates and angry hot takes, just loving, pastoral, curious conversations that point people to truth without being unkind or exclusive.
In particular in my family and personal history, I have known and loved a lot of LGBT+ people, including family members, friends, and fellow ministry partners. In reforming and refining my faith I have maintained the integrity of God’s word and wisdom for sexuality and relationships. But there is a lot missing from the Church’s missiological approach. The Church is known by her fear, hatred, and judgment of LGBT+ people. Like many, I believe there is a way forward that alleviates and heals that history without abandoning historic convictions about sexual ethics.
In your pastoral + chaplaincy work, what have you learned from LGBT+ people (and their families) about what they most need from Christians? What are the most common wounds you see in people who feel pushed away from Jesus because of how Christians have handled LGBT+ topics?
I’ve learned that listening and acceptance are the first thing queer people need. And that this doesn’t require affirmation of someone’s theology or life choices. Most LGBT+ people I engage with have a sense that God loves them, but they think that Christians hate them. To be fair, many have experienced Christians as hateful, sometimes overtly but sometimes through mockery or avoidance. I had an elderly patient who longed for God in his dying days but, by his own confession, he could not accept the hate and abuse he suffered as a gay child in church. He was willing to refuse salvation because of this.
Most Christians treat sin with patience and as a journey. LGBT+ topics don’t receive that same patience and compassion in our churches. Instead, we take a change-first-acceptance-second approach. How then can they find space to work things out in a safe community if they can’t even get their foot in the door? So common wounds? Rejection, hypocrisy, and weighing their brokenness as worse than others.
You mentioned a family member transitioning and wanting to be the first to talk with your daughter. What did that season feel like inside your home? What were you most afraid of getting wrong in that conversation with your child, and why?
We were living overseas when a family member informed all of us via a chat group that they would be transitioning. They gave us their new name and pronouns. I waited a week before I made a friendly joke about the name that assured this person (whom I have a great relationship with) that we loved them and we weren’t going to reject them. That was several years ago. Over time, several conversations and reassurances have had to be made, the majority of that burden falling to my wife (who has more relational rapport). We’ve been clear about what we believe. We’ve been clear that we don’t believe medical transition will address the true need effectively in ways that bring lasting joy or healing. But we’ve also been clear that this person is loved by us, welcome in our home, welcome in our church, and that we want this person to have a relationship with our children.
Because the transition occurred while my children were young and living overseas, it wasn’t until a couple years ago that our oldest child began to notice that this family member may be presenting differently than their biological gender. We anticipated a hard conversation when we were invited to watch home movies at the house where they live. This meant there might be questions about who that little kid in the video was, what their name was, and why their name was different now. We knew it was best for our child to talk to us first and have our guidance, but we were nervous and knew we needed more guidance.
What did Equip give you that you didn’t have before: language, posture, structure, confidence, or something else? Was there a particular idea, framework, or phrase from Equip that became a “turning point” for how you talk with your kids or loved ones?
As we prepared for conversation with our children about our family member who had transitioned, we attended one of Equip’s webinars on trans topics. Our greatest worry was that we were too late to the conversation with our kids. We were afraid we would be playing catch up and responding rather than guiding. Equip helped calm us down and reminded us that no matter when we had the conversation, it was just good that we were having it. As parents, we didn’t want to cause irreparable damage. We didn’t want to say too much or too little. Equip affirmed our instincts and encouraged us that it’s never too late to start engaging these topics.
To be honest, our child told us that they wished we hadn’t said anything. They felt strange. We normalized their feelings and allowed them to process how they needed to. It’s been many months and we’ve not had any strange or awkward moments with our kids or our friend who transitioned. We’re playing the long game. We know it’s better to keep ties with our friend than to force ultimatums or coerce change. And we’re trusting God with the timeline, even if we don’t see resolution this side of eternity.
In hindsight, what Equip gave us most was confidence. We felt assured of the direction we were already leaning toward. Our concerns were normalized, and Equip provided age-appropriate ways of framing the conversation. Having expert affirmation helped us approach dialogue without fear that we would cause irreversible damage or err in a catastrophic way.
If someone is scared they’ll lose relationships no matter what they do, what hope would you offer them? And what does “faithfulness” look like over the years?
Losing relationships happens, but if we maintain a loving and compassionate posture we can assure ourselves that we did what was in our power to love and be truthful. Keeping an open door and set table is vital. We can’t ever be the ones who give up. We have to act as the father of the prodigal, as Jesus did with Peter. And we must maintain a humility that prepares us to acknowledge any wrong we are guilty of.
If salvation and sanctification are truly our aim (not just getting them to act straight) then we must remember that the Gospel must precede everything. Speak not of sexuality until you’ve spoken of common sin. Speak of the hope of the Cross and need for all to come to Christ. Jesus made no prerequisites beyond a willing and repentant heart. Let us plant the seed or water what is already there. And once they’ve received that gift of salvation, let us with grace and discernment walk the road the Holy Spirit takes them down. We don’t set the agenda for what should be made right first, He does.
The game is long, and God is patient and kind. We should be too.
